Grief 101: When Children Grieve (Part 2)

Practical strategies for supporting young hearts through loss

By Brian Stefan, LCSW
California Grief Center | The Grief Wave

📝 5 key takeaways (TL;DR)

• Clear, simple language about death works better than euphemisms that create confusion for children

• Including children in ritual decisions—with appropriate preparation and genuine choice—typically supports healthy grief processing

• Respecting children’s preferences about how much information and involvement they want prevents both overwhelming and excluding them

• Creating ongoing connections with deceased loved ones through stories, photos, and rituals honors grief while supporting continued development

• Adults supporting grieving children need their own support systems to provide consistent care without becoming depleted

⚠️ Important Safety Note: This article provides general guidance for supporting grieving children. It is not a substitute for professional mental health care when children show concerning symptoms including persistent thoughts of self-harm, severe depression lasting many weeks, or behaviors that pose safety risks. Always consult with pediatricians, school counselors, or child mental health professionals when you have concerns about a child’s wellbeing. The strategies discussed here apply to typical grief responses, not complex trauma or mental health conditions requiring specialized treatment.

Facing the hurt together

When Words Matter Most

In Part 1, we explored how children understand and express grief across developmental stages. While this article stands alone, reading both parts provides comprehensive guidance for supporting grieving children. Now we turn to the practical question most adults face: What do I actually say and do to support a grieving child?

Ten-year-old James sits across from me, arms crossed, clearly angry about being in my office. His father died by suicide two weeks ago, and his mother is struggling to talk with him about what happened.

“Everyone keeps saying Dad ‘passed away’ or ‘isn’t with us anymore,’” James says. “But I know what happened. I heard Mom on the phone. Why won’t anyone just tell me the truth?”

His mother, sitting beside him, starts crying. “I didn’t want to say ‘suicide’ because I thought it would traumatize him. I was trying to protect him.”

“I’m already traumatized,” James says quietly. “The not knowing makes it worse.”

This conversation illustrates one of the most challenging aspects of supporting grieving children: finding language that balances honesty with age-appropriateness while respecting a child’s need for truth.

What to Expect Over Time

Understanding normal grief progression helps you distinguish typical responses from concerning symptoms:

First weeks: Intense reactions, regression, sleep and eating disruptions are normal. Children may ask the same questions repeatedly or seem to forget the person died.

First months: Waves of grief interspersed with normal functioning. A child may cry intensely one moment and play happily the next. This is healthy, not superficial processing.

First year: Special dates trigger renewed grief—birthdays, holidays, the death anniversary. Children may not consciously track these dates but show behavioral changes around them.

Beyond: Grief becomes integrated rather than eliminated. The loss continues to matter but doesn’t dominate daily life. Developmental milestones (graduations, weddings, becoming parents themselves) may trigger renewed grief as children understand new dimensions of their loss.

The Language of Loss: What to Say and What to Avoid

Use Clear, Simple Language

Children benefit from straightforward explanations that match their developmental level without euphemisms that create confusion:

Instead of: “Grandma went to sleep forever.”

Try: “Grandma’s body stopped working and she died. She can’t breathe, eat, or feel anything anymore.”

Instead of: “We lost Daddy.”

Try: “Daddy died in a car accident. That means his body was hurt so badly it stopped working.”

Instead of: “God took Mommy to be an angel.”

Try: “Mommy died from cancer. Some families believe she’s in heaven now. We won’t see her again, but we can remember her.”

Instead of: “I know how you feel.”

Try: “I can’t know exactly how you feel, but I care about you and I’m here.”

The goal is accuracy without unnecessary detail that might overwhelm the child.

Note: Cultural and religious traditions vary widely in how they explain death to children—from very direct explanations to more spiritual frameworks. What matters most is consistency with your family’s values while avoiding confusion.

Answer Their Actual Questions

Children often ask for specific information rather than comprehensive explanations. Respond to what they’re actually asking:

Child: “Where is Grandpa?”

Adult: “Grandpa died, which means his body stopped working. We buried his body in the cemetery.”

Child: “Can he eat there?”

Adult: “No. When someone dies, their body doesn’t work anymore. They don’t need food or water.”

If they want more information, they’ll ask additional questions.

Be Honest About Difficult Deaths

Deaths by suicide, overdose, violence, or other traumatic circumstances require particularly careful communication. Children often know or sense more than adults realize, and vague explanations can increase anxiety.

For suicide, age-appropriate honesty sounds like:

• Young children (ages 3-7): “Dad was feeling so sad and hopeless that he made a choice to end his life. His sadness was so big he couldn’t see any other way. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, and nothing you did caused this.”

• School-age children (ages 8-11): “Dad died by suicide, which means he ended his own life. He had a mental illness called depression that made him feel hopeless. It’s not your fault, and you couldn’t have stopped it.”

• Adolescents (ages 12+): “Dad took his own life. He had been struggling with severe depression and wasn’t thinking clearly. Mental illness is a medical condition that affects how people think and feel.”

The key is providing truthful information while emphasizing that the child is not responsible and that mental illness, like physical illness, can be fatal.

Including Children in Rituals

Prepare Rather Than Exclude

Research on childhood bereavement suggests an association between ritual participation and positive grief outcomes for many children, though participation isn’t necessary or beneficial for every child. When children want to participate and receive proper preparation and support, they often benefit from the experience.

The decision to include children should account for the child’s wishes, family traditions, what the child would witness, and whether a supportive adult can stay with them.

Preparation involves:

• Explaining what will happen at the funeral, memorial, or burial

• Describing what they might see, hear, and feel

• Letting them know it’s okay to leave if overwhelmed

• Identifying a designated adult who will stay with them

• Discussing what role, if any, they’d like to have

Practices around children’s funeral attendance vary dramatically across cultures. Some traditions expect full child participation from young ages, viewing death as natural. Others protect children from death-related activities until adolescence or adulthood. Neither approach is superior—what matters is consistency with your family’s values and the child’s needs.

Offer Genuine Choice

“Would you like to come to Grandma’s funeral?” works better than “You don’t have to go” (which implies they shouldn’t) or “Everyone is going” (which implies they must).

Some children want full participation. Others prefer minimal involvement. Respect their decision while keeping options open if they change their mind.

Create Meaningful Participation Options

For children who want involvement, offer age-appropriate roles:

• Choosing or drawing a picture to place in the casket

• Selecting flowers or helping arrange them

• Writing a letter or poem to be read or buried with the person

• Lighting a candle during the service

• Helping create a memory table with photos

Consider Viewing Carefully

Whether children should view a deceased person’s body depends on the child’s age, the body’s condition, family and cultural practices, and the child’s wishes.

If considering viewing:

• Prepare the child for what they’ll see

• Explain the body will look different and feel cold

• Give them complete choice about whether to approach

• Stay with them and allow whatever reaction emerges

Responding to Unexpected Reactions

Even with preparation, children may cry intensely, want to touch the body, refuse to approach, or ask to leave immediately. All responses are normal.

In the moment:

• Stay calm and present

• Don’t rush them away from tears

• If they want to touch the body and it’s safe, allow it

• If they want to leave, take them somewhere quiet without judgment

• Simply acknowledge: “This is really hard” or “I’m right here with you”

Answering the Hardest Questions

When They Ask “Why?”

Honest answers depend on the circumstances:

For illness: “Her cancer made her body too sick to keep working.”

For accidents: “His car was hit by another car, and his body was hurt too badly to survive.”

For old age: “Her body had worked for a very long time—87 years—and it wore out, like a car that eventually stops running.”

For medical error or preventable deaths: “The doctors made a mistake that led to her death. Sometimes even doctors make serious errors. You’re allowed to feel angry about that.”

For sudden unexplained deaths: “The doctors aren’t sure why his heart stopped. Sometimes bodies stop working and doctors can’t figure out exactly why.”

For deaths that don’t make sense: “I don’t understand why this happened either. Sometimes terrible things happen and there isn’t a reason that makes it okay. It’s not fair, and I wish I had a better answer for you.”

Avoid responses that increase fear (”God needed another angel”) or imply the child could have prevented it (”If only we’d gotten to the hospital sooner”).

When They Ask “Will You Die Too?”

“Everyone dies eventually, but most people live for a very long time. I plan to be here to take care of you while you grow up. I’m healthy and I take care of my body.”

Avoid promises you can’t keep (”I’ll never die and leave you”) while also avoiding statements that increase anxiety (”I could die at any time”).

When They Express Guilt

Children commonly believe their thoughts or actions caused the death, especially younger children who don’t fully understand causation.

Listen to their concerns, then provide clear information:

“I can understand why you might think that, but you didn’t cause Grandpa’s death. His heart disease made him die. Nothing you did, thought, or said made that happen.”

Repeat this message as often as needed. Guilt can be persistent.

Creating Ongoing Connections

Grief doesn’t end after funerals conclude. Children benefit from ways to maintain connection with deceased loved ones:

Memory-Making Activities

• Create a memory box with photos, letters, and meaningful objects

• Make a photo album or digital slideshow they can revisit

• Write stories about the deceased person

• Plant a memorial tree or garden

• Establish annual rituals on birthdays or death anniversaries

Continuing Bonds

Research on continuing bonds suggests that maintaining connection with deceased loved ones—through memory, story, and ritual—supports healthy development rather than preventing grief processing.

Children often:

• Talk to the deceased person’s photo

• Write letters to them

• Include them in artwork or school projects about family

• Visit grave sites or memorial locations

• Create traditions that honor the person

These activities don’t mean children are “stuck” in grief. They reflect healthy integration of loss into ongoing life.

Understanding Developmental Re-grieving

Children grieve the same loss repeatedly as cognitive and emotional capacities mature.

A six-year-old who loses a parent understands at a six-year-old level: “Mommy isn’t here anymore and I miss her.” That same child at ten may re-grieve with deeper understanding: “Other kids have moms at their school events and I never will.” At sixteen: “She won’t be here for my graduation or wedding.” At twenty-five: “I navigate adult relationships and career decisions without her wisdom.”

Each stage brings new grief as the child comprehends additional dimensions of their loss. This is normal, not a sign that earlier grief wasn’t “processed” properly.

What this means:

• Don’t expect grief to be “finished”

• Anticipate that milestones may trigger renewed grief

• Revisit conversations about the deceased as children mature

• Normalize that they may need support around this loss at different life stages

School and Social Considerations

Communicating with Schools

When to contact: Reach out within 24-48 hours after the death. Don’t wait until the child returns. This gives staff time to prepare support and brief teachers.

If you’re too overwhelmed, ask a family member or friend to contact the school on your behalf.

What to communicate:

• Share information about the death

• Specify how much information they can share with classmates

• Request patience with concentration difficulties or behavioral changes

• Ask about available support (counselors, grief groups)

• Provide a backup contact if the child becomes upset at school

Respect the child’s preference about privacy, understanding it may change over time.

Understanding Peer Reactions

Friends may not know how to respond, and their reactions significantly affect the grieving child’s experience.

Common peer reactions:

Avoidance: Many children avoid grieving peers because they don’t know what to say. From the grieving child’s perspective, this feels like abandonment.

Awkwardness: Friends may act uncomfortable or change the subject when the deceased person is mentioned, making the grieving child feel isolated.

Intrusive questions: Some peers ask detailed questions (”Did you see the body?”) that feel invasive.

What this looks like in practice:

Eight-year-old Emma’s best friend stopped sitting with her at lunch after Emma’s brother died. When Emma asked why, her friend said “My mom told me not to talk about it because it might make you sad.” Emma felt more alone than ever.

After Emma’s teacher facilitated a class discussion about supporting grieving classmates, her friend learned she could still sit with Emma and just be present—she didn’t need to have the perfect words.

How these affect grieving children:

Children who experience peer avoidance may withdraw further, believing they’re “wrong” or “broken,” or stop talking about their loss to avoid making friends uncomfortable.

Supporting children through peer difficulties:

• Validate their feelings: “It hurts when friends don’t know what to say and avoid you.”

• Explain peer behavior: “Your friends probably feel scared or awkward, not because of anything you did, but because death is hard for everyone.”

• Help them practice responses: “If someone asks intrusive questions, you can say ‘I don’t want to talk about the details.’”

• Consider whether direct intervention helps: Ask a teacher to facilitate a class discussion, or have your child’s close friends over to explain how they can help.

• Identify supportive adults at school your child can seek out

Preparing Responses

Help children develop comfortable responses:

• “Yes, my dad died. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

• “Thank you for asking. It’s really hard, but I’m doing okay today.”

• “It helps when you just act normal around me.”

Supporting Siblings Through Shared Loss

When multiple children in a family are grieving:

Individual Differences

Siblings often grieve differently based on age, relationship with the deceased, and temperament. Avoid comparing siblings’ grief.

Practical Individual Attention

Even when overwhelmed, small amounts of focused time matter:

• Ten minutes daily of undivided attention with each child

• Weekly one-on-one time doing something simple together

• Text or call during the day to check in with older children

• Acknowledge each child’s unique loss

• Rotate special privileges so everyone gets individual recognition

The goal isn’t equal time but ensuring each child feels seen.

Birth Order Solutions

Oldest children may feel pressure to be strong. Give them explicit permission to grieve and protect their childhood: “It’s not your job to take care of everyone.”

Youngest children may struggle to understand why everyone is sad. Explain repeatedly in age-appropriate terms and include them in rituals appropriately.

Middle children may feel overlooked. Check in specifically and create dedicated time where they’re the priority.

Being aware of these birth order pressures helps you provide individualized support that acknowledges each child’s unique position in the family.

Supporting Children While Managing Your Own Grief

Adults Need Support Too

Children need at least one adult who can maintain basic stability. That requires recognizing when your grief prevents you from providing consistent care.

Support systems include:

• Professional counseling or grief therapy

• Support groups for bereaved adults

• Trusted friends or family who can provide respite

• Self-care practices that restore emotional energy

Professional support isn’t about being unable to handle grief—it’s about ensuring children get what they need. Getting help demonstrates strength.

Model Healthy Grief

Children benefit from seeing adults:

• Express sadness without becoming completely overwhelmed

• Use words to describe feelings

• Seek support from others

• Maintain basic routines and self-care

This doesn’t mean hiding all grief. It means showing them that sadness is normal and manageable.

When Adult Grief Becomes Overwhelming

If your grief prevents consistent care, seek additional support. This might mean asking for help with childcare temporarily, seeking intensive therapy, or considering short-term medication for sleep or severe anxiety.

Understanding Cultural Approaches to Childhood Grief

Families approach childhood grief through different cultural, religious, and personal lenses. These variations aren’t problems to solve—they’re valid approaches reflecting diverse values and traditions.

Some cultural traditions include children extensively in death-related activities from very young ages. In many Mexican-American families, for example, children participate fully in Day of the Dead celebrations, viewing death as a natural part of life’s cycle. West African traditions often include children in elaborate funeral ceremonies that may last several days. Orthodox Jewish traditions involve children in shiva, the seven-day mourning period at home.

Other cultural contexts protect children from death-related activities until adolescence or adulthood, believing this preserves innocence. Some Asian cultures traditionally limit children’s exposure to funerals and burial practices. Certain Christian denominations discourage young children’s attendance at funerals.

Different belief systems offer varying explanations for death. Some families find comfort in concepts of heaven, reincarnation, or ancestral presence. Others approach death from secular perspectives emphasizing life’s finite nature and the importance of memory. Children benefit most from explanations consistent with the family’s genuine beliefs.

When Family Members Disagree

Sometimes adults within the same family hold different views about how much children should know or what they should experience. One parent might want full honesty while the other prefers protection. Grandparents may have different cultural expectations than parents.

When family members disagree:

• Discuss differences away from children

• Identify shared values (we all want what’s best for the child)

• Consider the child’s individual temperament and preferences

• Compromise where possible, prioritizing what serves the child

• Agree on consistent messaging even if approaches differ

• Consider consulting with a therapist who can help navigate cultural and generational differences

What remains universal across cultures:

• Children need truthful information appropriate to their development

• They need permission to grieve in their own way

• They need consistent, caring adults

• They need their questions answered without judgment

• They need connection to the deceased person’s memory

How we meet these needs varies widely across cultures, while the fundamental needs remain constant.

When Professional Help Becomes Necessary

Important note: The strategies in this article apply to typical grief responses. Children who witnessed traumatic deaths, lost a parent to suicide or violence, or experienced other complex circumstances often need specialized trauma-focused therapy in addition to grief support.

Seek professional consultation when:

• The child expresses wanting to die to “be with” the deceased (beyond normal questions about death)

• Severe behavioral problems emerge or worsen significantly

• The child completely withdraws from friends and activities for many weeks

• School performance deteriorates dramatically and doesn’t stabilize

• Physical symptoms persist without medical explanation

• The family feels overwhelmed and unsure how to provide support

• The death was traumatic (suicide, violence, witnessing the death)

Child therapists specializing in grief can provide targeted support that complements family care.

Maya’s Story: Six Months Later

Remember Maya from Part 1, whose parents initially tried to redirect her questions about her grandmother’s death? Six months after our first session, her mother shares an update:

“At first, I thought answering all her questions would make things worse. But once we started being honest, she relaxed. She still misses her grandma—she talks about her almost every day. But now she’s also laughing, playing with friends, and doing well in school.”

Maya created a memory box with her grandmother’s favorite scarf, photos, and letters they’d exchanged. She visits the grave every few weeks, leaving flowers and telling her grandmother about school.

Her parents stopped trying to fix her sadness and started honoring it. Maya still grieves, but she no longer grieves alone or in confusion. She’s learning that loving someone and losing someone can both be true at the same time.

Supporting grieving children doesn’t require perfection. It requires presence, honesty, and willingness to sit with their pain rather than trying to eliminate it. When adults can do this—imperfectly, with their own grief and limitations—children demonstrate remarkable resilience in integrating loss into their continuing lives.

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📚 References

Christ, G. H. (2000). Healing Children’s Grief: Surviving a Parent’s Death from Cancer. Oxford University Press.

Silverman, P. R. (2000). Never Too Young to Know: Death in Children’s Lives. Oxford University Press.

Worden, J. W. (1996). Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies. Guilford Press.

Webb, N. B. (Ed.). (2010). Helping Bereaved Children: A Handbook for Practitioners (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Goldman, L. (2014). Life & Loss: A Guide to Help Grieving Children (3rd ed.). Routledge.

Resources for Adults Supporting Grieving Children:

National Alliance for Grieving Children: childrengrieve.org The Dougy Center: dougy.org Sesame Street in Communities: sesamestreetincommunities.org/topics/grief Coalition to Support Grieving Students: grievingstudents.org

Books for Grieving Children (by age):

Ages 3-6:

• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

• Something Very Sad Happened by Bonnie Zucker

Ages 7-11:

• The Memory Box by Joanna Rowland

• When Someone Very Special Dies by Marge Heegaard

Ages 12+:

• The Grieving Teen by Helen Fitzgerald

• Understanding Your Grief for Teens by Alan Wolfelt

Crisis Resources:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988

• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

• For immediate safety concerns: Contact local emergency services immediately

🌊 Learn more about grief support, workshops, and therapy services at the California Grief Center.

🌐 www.caligrief.com

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Facing the hurt together